Everyones seen or heard about Where’s Wally? Well, everyone at yesterday game at Burwell, wants to know Where’s Jan Paul Rolfe? Did he get lost on route? did the weather forecast put him off? maybe his car didn’t start? was he taken hostage by aliens? did he ask for directions by the same village idiot that I did, and was left more confused than when he started off and drive his car into the nearest flooded pot hole?!

Its now just gone 2pm, Burwells management were scratching their arses for an answer, who was going to be the Match Official? Then in drove a Silver 4×4, a Mercedes 4×4… It was the answer, Keith Malcolm HackAtIt Beswick. So much for an afternoon smoking cigarettes and watching football!!

A quick cigarette warmup, 45 minutes is going to be a long time without a smoke and just think of all those times Malcolm will be blowing the whistle!! A quick tally of players, and the game finally got underway at 2:15pm. Malcolm was quick to assert his stance on the game, no daft takles and no daft comments from players and officials.

The movement of the match official was one of wounded animal, his refusal to show any signs of pain – 20 minutes without a cigarette was starting to show!! Decisions were decisive, on the odd occasion even speaking to the player, this is usally unheard of, players were confused that a match official actually speaks!! In truth, most decisions were easy to make. 45 minutes was on the clock and Malcolm moved the quickist all afternoon, looking for the gold packet and taking several large intakes!! Signs of life were back in his eyes……

With the fitness of the match official now in question, how long before he sparked up in the centre circle? was he going to show a card as his nicotine levels drop? would he send a player to do 3 laps of the field for making a poor pass?

As the nicotine levels dropped into the danger zone, Craig Verrinder was booked for dissent.

To be perfectly honest, it was alot better than most match officials that turn up week in week out charging X amount and not getting more than 2 words out of them, at least Malcolm spoke to the players, even if he did sound  wheezy!!

Back to the matter in hand, Where’s Jan Paul Rolfe?

The picture below was after 20 minutes. As you can tell, due to the lack of smoking, he’s lost colour in his face!!